My Reflection of 2021

 Cheers to a new year and new beginnings! Here’s to my first official BLOG post- my reflection of 2021. 

A year that has taken every single ounce of my energy, trust, security, peace, faith, and comfort, but in return, replaced it with every ounce of grace, forgiveness, joy, resilience, passion, happiness, purpose, and love. I write this post today to shine a light on a not-so-bright highlight reel of my life in hopes that it may help someone in their darkness.  

“Is your marriage as perfect as it seems to be?” 

This question was randomly asked by a friend I hadn’t spoken to in years, while working out at the gym one evening. With great pause, and slightly confused at how such a question could be asked so boldly, I realized that such an honest question deserved an honest answer. So… with a lump in my throat I answered with- “No. It isn’t.” I didn’t go into detail with her, but right then in that moment, I was in the middle of a storm that I wasn’t sure was ever ending. 

This never ending ‘storm’ I found myself in was one of the worst I had ever experienced and included some of the people that I cherished most in my life. It brought with it, heartache, betrayal, misunderstanding, lies, deceit, and the vicious cycle of “small town gossip” that we are all too familiar with. 

Early on there were little rumors and gossip about how I was living my life. That I was traveling too much, driving too nice a car, and that my husband and I were too close with another couple who we had grown to love like family. These things were hard to deal with as they came up but the four of us had each other and we were carrying on with life in spite of it all. I had my small circle of friends that I thought were growing with me, and at that time, none of us cared what the world around us thought about it. I was going through something that many other women have went though in their lifetime, I was growing internally to the point that I was uncomfortable. I was growing in a way to where I had taken control of my own decisions, no longer allowing others around me to direct my choices. I realized that my entire life had been built through the opinions and advice of others. Simply put, I was growing into ME! 

But, just like some of the worst storms do, this storm caught me by surprise. It came from nowhere and without warning. In just a matter of weeks, my whole life was turned upside down. I had heard my name in the middle of so many half-truths and made up stories. I would constantly catch hateful looks from people I had never wronged. And suddenly I was shunned by people I had happily interacted with, just weeks before. Much like the telephone game we have all played as children, by the time a lie was repeated enough and made its way through the community, it had become something even the person who starting it, couldn’t believe. 

The “not-so-funny” thing is, the lies were bad. They were really bad, but…. they weren’t as bad as the truth. I would have preferred their reality over MY reality. I would have preferred to live in the made-up world that they had created more than the one I was now forced to make sense of. I was living in a world that was far more dark than the one they had built and then destroyed. 

The fact is; Marriage is hard. Friendships are hard. LIFE is hard. We aren’t victims and we aren’t villains- we’re human.  We’re all navigating life the best way we know how under a weight of expectation. This year, I was quickly becoming someone that I didn’t believe in. I was throwing all of my values in the trash and drowning in my own mistakes, one after another. Only to eventually find myself picking up all the pieces to become someone I would look up to. 

This year, I’ve lived through moments I can’t unsee, moments I can’t unfeel, and moments I never wish to relive. Moments where I was shattered to my core, physically collapsing to my knees because the ground beneath me was taken out from under me.  Moments where I questioned every person in my life, including myself. Moments that felt like days and then weeks on end. I am..guilty, broken and ashamed, but He’s a God of forgiveness and bled on that cross for us. We have a choice, and I choose grace. Because that’s what He chose for us. With that Grace, I’ve learned to forgive the unforgivable when I didn’t think it was possible.  I realized that holding anger was like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. Freeing myself from the hurt and pain it carried was the biggest weight off of my heart.

This year I’ve slowly learned what it means to be human.  What is means to let go of pain with tender forgiveness and gratitude. To be sad and happy at the same time, make my own mistakes just to grow into a better me.  I’ve learned how to appreciate the dark spaces in life as it’s a way to appreciate the light in a better way. I’ve learned that my journey consists of moments of pure joy, moments with great love, moments of great despair and all moments tied together to bring me exactly where I’m supposed to be and make me exactly WHO I’m supposed to be. I am Human and that’s okay. 

Over the course of the year, I’ve been on a journey to find what’s real in this life. Finding my people is where I knew I needed to start. The people that feel like sunshine after days of endless rain. The ones that come around and put their hands over your candle when they realize for a second that your light might be dimming. I do think that sometimes these people are sent by God, sometimes they don’t come along until you need them. But, when you have them, you cherish them forever; and I couldn’t be more grateful for mine. This year, I’ve lost friendships that were like family only to realize that God’s plan is bigger than mine. I’m slowly learning to live by His plan- not by mine. Slowly learning that endings aren’t something to be upset about, but rather, learning to embrace what the journey brought me and what it taught me.

I’ve read more books and listened to more podcasts than I ever have, just searching for a single answer to one of life’s biggest questions- why is God testing me? I was tested just 9 years ago when my dad passed away suddenly, without a goodbye. I was 19 then and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and yet here I was again, stuck…with the weight of the world. Words spoken by Oprah Winfrey, Brene Brown, and, Alan Jackson quickly became my life’s survival guide. They seemed to have it all figured out- have all the answers to life’s questions… I wanted, so badly, to find my own answers, to find my own purpose. So, I found myself spending hours digging, only to come up short- every time! I then realized that maybe, just maybe, my purpose was to listen and to be a light.

For months I ran from all the pain that this “STORM” caused. I tried my best to ignore it, to brush it off, to escape it. However, I knew that it would carry alongside me forever if I didn’t acknowledge it, accept it and address it! That’s when I began to learn how to SIT with my trauma. To feel its pain… and let me tell you- that’s hard! It’s excruciating. But… that’s when real growth happens. 

Thorough all of this, I’ve learned that “hurt people, hurt people”  and I refused to become one of those people. I understood that it could become a generational pattern if I didn’t heal this trauma, along with previous traumas I was already carrying.  I made the resolution within myself, that with the help of my God, my closest friends, my therapist and my daily decisions to move, I WOULD break these chains. I WOULD sit with my pain and I WOULD experience a healing.   

Life is an amazing thing. It can carry some of the absolute most beautiful moments and this year, it most definitely has. With all of my losses I have also made some of the sweetest, unforgettable memories. I’ve experienced the beauty of sea turtles swimming in Hawaii, walked the beaches of California, visited the plantations in Charleston, and stood where the stars of Hollywood have strolled. I attended my first Major League Baseball game and my first NBA basketball game. I’ve travelled to 11 states (some more than once), attended what could have been Alan Jackson’s last concert, had the deepest belly laughs with my girlfriends and excelled in my career more than ever. And most of all, I’ve felt the presence of Jesus in a way that confirmed my faith in Him and His love for me.  

LET ME BE REAL

I am not through this storm.  It isn’t over for me. I still have bad days. I still have days where the clouds are dark and the waves are high. But I know the man who can calm those seas and I know the man who will make the sun shine again. I’m learning and growing every day and realizing what it means to be ME.  On my darkest days I find myself playing a song by Zach Williams on repeat. The name of this song is “To the Table” and I want to share some of the lyrics with you. You can also find the song on YouTube by clicking HERE.

This song reminds me that our God is the God of the impossible. He takes the broken and makes it whole, He gives us beauty for our ashes and grace for our tears.  This year more than ever I have learned that some things will break with no intention of ever being repaired, and some things break just to be rebuilt better than it ever was before.

As bad as 2021 may have seemed, I want to thank 2021 for taking me on a different path, opening my eyes, allowing me to trust my intuition, and showing me the lessons I needed only to bring me closer to God and be a light for those who desperately need it. As we embark upon this journey together I want to be clear, this Blog is a journey for both me and my readers. Along this journey, I’m sure I will tell my entire story, in detail; but, today is not that day. Today I leave you with this- you may not know what your next step is and maybe you can barely see in front of you. But, if you lean into the LORD and what He has prepared for you, I promise you, you will be able to put one foot in front of the other. In your walk with Him, you will be exactly where you’re supposed to be.  This year I’ve learned what it’s really like to feel Him near- I’ve been given a sense of peace that has overwhelmed my soul. And that peace alone, is something I can’t thank Him enough for.

2022- Here’s to stepping out of darkness and into the brightest light I’ve ever seen- that’s the light of Jesus Christ. More now than ever, I know who I am, where my heart belongs and I won’t negotiate that with anyone. My worth is carried inside my heart and that worth is non-negotiable.